at times i really wonder, do my parents really understand how i really feel & whether they noe if i've understood wat they told me... i dunno if my parents get to read tis, but i feel i stil gotta clarify & state down here... cos i dun feel like explaining matters to them if they r reluctant & unwilling to listen to my stand, at e same time expecting me to listen to wat they say... wat for? i'd rather they read it themselves & yupp... reflect on wat they say & did...
i hear wat they haf to say but did they bother listening to me in return? i dun think so... cos if they did, misunderstandings wouldnt haf occurred, quarrels & heated arguments wouldnt haf started & reactions wouldnt b so great... & get tis right... i dun dishonor my parents... i stil respect them... but to a certain level... after wat happened, my respect for them went down a little... & yupp... i dun wish for tis to happen at all but i haf no choice... last time my temper was worse & i was even more rude... tat was when my relationship wif God wasnt stable enough... but not now... i'm a changed person... i'm glad about tis but i feel i can do more & improve more... somehow or rather, it seems tat i'm not given any room for it... pathetic aint it?
anyway... it all weighs down to e issue of allowing me to go to church for one more week... i simply dun understand y... is one more week too much to ask? & some more i'm not going for cg... am i really asking for too much? if i can make sure i come back by 3pm, i seriously dun see a prob... especially if my cg helper can help to ensure i come back immediately after lunch... i dun understand y... i seriously dun understand y... furthermore, just now she said if i wanna go to church tmr, then see wat my dad says first... if he says it's okay then i can go... tis was my dad & my conversation...
dad: ya wanna go to church tmr uh?
me: yes... i'll b back at 3pm...
dad: okay... ya must make sure uh...
me: sure...
e conversation was in chinese but i can sense my dad knows tats wat i wish for... suddenly my mum has to cut in...
mum: dun let her go la! she's supposed to stay home to revise her work...
dad: aiya... okay la... michelle... ya guai hor... stay home to do ur work k... dun go for these 2-3 weeks...
see wat i mean? who was e one who said to see wat my dad says? who was e one who said tat if my dad says i can go, means i can go? now who's going back on her word? sometimes i seriously dun understand y... y of all times, she has to cut in? when once my dad gave e green light? i was almost there... but suddenly... tat comment came in... it's like all my hopes were shattered... it's like... & yupp... if ya made a promise & i noe it, u're not supposed to break it... dun go back on ur word la... admit it & move on la...
& yupp... tis stil went on...
mum: okay... ya wanna go & listen to e sermon right? go my church la... 1 hour come back le...
ha... it seems tat she doesnt even noe e aim of y i go to my church... & i tell ya... listening to e sermon in my church & her church differs... there's a difference... it's not tat i havent been to her church for svc before... i went before & e fact tat i dun feel God's presence in her church means sth... & it's not about e distance... e distance doesnt affect my decision... as long as i live, i'm going to remain in my church, despite e outcome... get tis right... ya noe all along tat i'm not going to change church... not now, not in e past & never wil b in e future... no matter how disappointed i may b wif e ppl in my church, e fact stil stands... i'm not going to change church! so dun ever bring tis up to me...
furthermore, tmr is Dr A.R. Bernard & next week is Pastor Ulk Ekman... it's more than just e guest speakers... it's e fact tat i'm not allowed to go nor even step out of e house... where on earth do ppl behave like tis? ya should noe... e reason i go is cos of my love for God, e church & e ppl ard me... anyway... nothing i say helps... e more i say it, e more ya wil object & think i'm wrong... so wat for? i just say whatever i want... tis is my blog... i dun care...
& yupp... adding on 1 additional point... not going to church for 3 weeks wil confirm lead to a disastrous outcome... my walk wif God is more than just praying, talking to God & reading e bible... if u're genuinely a christian wif a stable relationship wif God, ya should noe... needless for me to say... taking a break from cg is bad enuff... ya noe my character... i dun like & never like to miss tis kinda things... it's part & parcel of my life...
God knows, God cares & God loves me... not only me, but it applies to all ya ppl out there... God loves ya! :)
anyway... i'm like side-tracking a little la... but i'll definitely need some reassurance... heh... ;)
it's a real tough period... but i gotta press on! >.<
p.s. i definitely hope my mum gets to read tis... no worries... tis isnt targetting to my frens... it's targetting purely to my mum... those long long paragraphs... haaaa...
His princess... out
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